


She's So Heavy (I Want You)

by Katany



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Community: dark_fest, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-03-27
Updated: 2012-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-17 07:45:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/174527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katany/pseuds/Katany
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Council expects the Doctor to leave behind his best friend and answer their summons. He's been a renegade so long they forget he has all their skills and a greater stubborn streak. Yet, there's a reason he's doesn't solve his problems like a Time Lord. </p><p>Written for 2011 dark_fest on LJ.<br/>1. Any fandom where a character has left, remaining character/one who left, you will never really leave me.<br/>2. Doctor Who (classic), Four/Sarah Jane, he takes her back to Gallifrey and the consequences are terrible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If You Leave Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I'm not old or British enough to own Doctor Who.  
> Spoilers: Concepts from _The Hand Of Fear, The Deadly Assassin, The Face of Evil,_ and Big Finish _Sarah Jane Smith_ audios. Mentions from various _Doctor Who_ episodes, _Downtime_ , and _Sarah Jane Adventures_.
> 
>  
> 
> 2012/12/14 Revision notes:  
> Chapter 1- Added the Doctor's POV; reordered the beginning of Sarah's POV for clarity; added scene breaks; general editing  
> Chapter 2 - Reordered and revised dialogue; added scene breaks; general editing

The Time Lords delighted in causing him pain, the Doctor was certain of it. There could be no other reason for the telepathic summons. True, he would've ignored anything else, but he didn't consider _that_ a reason. But the summons, a telepathic ice pick triggering a primal compulsion in an otherwise scientific mind, was just in their style to call for him. They were all probably watching his reaction in the Matrix, his physical and emotional pain merely their socially acceptable evening entertainment. "Tune in tonight to see the Doctor leave behind his best friend." Rubbish. He wouldn't just abandon Sarah at their command.

He would, however, leave her behind to keep her safe from the Time Lords.

But as much as the summons compelled him to obey Gallifreyan law and his own logic compelled him to protect Sarah, the Doctor didn't want to go to Gallifrey without her more. Only a small part of that was his pride, he had outwitted gods after all and the Council weren't yet gods, but mostly he didn't want to let go of her. Sarah, by simply being human, made him forget he was a Time Lord. And as many times as he reminded her, reminded himself, it had stopped mattering -- until the summons.

As the Council had so successfully and succinctly proved, he was a Time Lord. A Time Lord with all the skills taught in the Academy and the intellect to become a better being despite it. Just because he never bothered to use the their methods didn't mean he was unable to do so. He was a bit rusty at thinking like a Time Lord, but if he had to think like those dull-witted, withered, old buffoons to keep traveling with Sarah, he would.

**.:.**

It was important to stay angry, otherwise her fear would overtake her. Sarah haphazardly threw her items into her suitcase with more force than necessary, her every action designed to hold onto her fading resentment. She proceeded to stomp back to the control room, somehow managing to balance her things while opening the door. The Doctor stood at the console too lost in his own contemplations to notice. Disregarded, her anger safely rushed back over her. With her arms still full, Sarah kicked the door behind her. As soon as her foot had hit the door, a spell was cast, her vision shifted, and the Doctor became clear.

He had always looked Earthling, or she looked Gallifreyan, and she sometimes wondered if that was the reason he thought she accepted his friendship. But he didn't look anything like a human at that moment. The Doctor's distinctive features had softened and Sarah could almost see a familiar face among the three layers beneath. A spark of ancient power coursed through him with his double pulse.

There were fragments of words in her head, mutterings in his harsh scolding tone, though he wasn't physically speaking.  As she wondered at her new abilities, she simply found the answer in her mind: her human perceptions were being altered by the TARDIS's telepathic field. Yet, despite the new perception, she was still too human to entirely understand what the Doctor was saying. Just as she was too human to understand the waves of his emotions as they washed over her. There were echoes of her own anger and fear, but also a pull to something which was far deeper than her own sense of duty. And woven through everything was a feeling she could only describe as affection.

But there were still gaps. Not even the TARDIS could fill everything lost in translation. The Doctor had once called their communication a Time Lord's gift. Witnessing the Doctor almost as he truly was, Sarah mentally corrected him; it was a gift from the TARDIS.

The door slammed shut behind her and Sarah jumped as she had completely forgotten she had kicked it. The TARDIS's spell broke and she returned to a sudden emptiness which had always been her reality. She had never before realized how lonely it was to be human. But in that moment she had been something more and time had stopped, though the phrase really should've been erased from her thoughts after her travels with a Time Lord. Time was fragile and could be rewritten but it was also resilient and wouldn't stop. Yet, for all her linguistic skills, time had stopped.

Not more than two of her primitive, self-centered, Earth seconds could've passed, but time was relative as well as resilient. Her own emotions crashed without the mix of the Doctor's. She was isolated from her surroundings in a way which she never before knew she always had been. Her dry eyes ached with the pressure of tears which wouldn't form. She wanted to fall to her knees with her arms tightly around her chest and hide from a world where she was so alone without the TARDIS translating the Doctor for her. But there had been a message there, a question, a story which the TARDIS had wanted her to tell. Her curiosity peaked, she dug her nails into her palm and focused on discerning the meaning.

Despite the noise, the Doctor had never moved. She had only been able to catch a few of his stray thoughts about senile imbeciles and antediluvian rituals; the Time Lords must have contacted the Doctor while she was gone. The fact his anger was internalized and she otherwise would've missed it was a clear indication the situation was beyond her previous experiences with his race.

Her own pain lessened with her increased determination. A rush of peace overcame her -- a mental hug from the TARDIS, a reward for a test passed -- washing away the remainder of the withdrawal. Something fundamental had changed between herself and the Doctor, something that neither of them controlled, but controlled him. And while she still didn't know what it was, she was aware it existed and with that she had a chance. Sarah wanted to throw her arms around the blue box, to somehow hug the heart of the TARDIS for her confidence and trust, but Sarah was inept with such things. She had, however, developed one way to deal with the Doctor's broodings about his heritage.

"Doctor."

He startled at her soft touch to his shoulder. "Oh, Sarah. You're a good girl."

Sarah tightened her grip as he tried to shrug out of her touch. "What do they want this time?"

He startled again, though she was unsure if the reaction was to her words or the annoyed edge in her voice. "How did you know?"

"I'm a journalist. It's my job to piece together what people aren't saying from what they are, even if they aren't saying it out loud. And I'm told I'm good at it, especially when it comes to someone whom is my best friend."

"Your best friend," his eyes widened momentarily before he shook his head. "I won't deserve that title after this."

"I'm a grown woman. I think I can decide that for myself." Even with her hands on her hips and her most scolding look, Sarah failed to appear mature in her pink striped overalls. "Stop being such a drama queen and tell me what's wrong."

"I've received the call from Gallifrey. I must return."

"Oh. I know they're not your favorite race, but your lot can't all be bad. Besides, I've always wanted to see Gallifrey."

"No, Sarah. I must go alone. Humans aren't allowed."

Sarah had to bite her tongue to keep her exasperated teasing from moving back into annoyance. "Since when do you follow the rules? You can't go to Gallifrey without me."

"I must. This is your stop."

Shifting her weight, Sarah tested for movement under her feet. It would be the one landing so uneventful she wouldn't notice. She resisted mentally reaching for the ship again, determined to reason with him under her own power. "Where are we?"

"See for yourself." The Doctor flicked on the scanner.

"That's my living room." As she stared at her own dust covered furniture in the darkened room, Sarah failed to hide her awe.

"I can hear it in your voice. This is your home."

Sarah chewed her lip as she stared at the screen. "And I've visited it thanks to you. But seeing it reminds me I have two homes now. I do need to check the rent, grab a few things, and send a note to Aunt Lavinia, but it won't take more than a moment."

"What of your demands to feel human again?"

"I didn't think you were listening. I was just joking. Besides, how would you get along without me? You're far too trusting." It was a statement of fact, not a complaint. She hated the Daleks and the Cybermen most of all because she knew he always doubted them. He might give them a chance to surrender or retreat, but the Doctor never expected them to take the offer or to act as anything other than a soldier for their species' wars. That was supposed to be her human fallacy, to be unable to see the individual within the group, not his.

"I don't see how trust is a dreadful thing."

"No? Not even that bit with trusting Eldrad because you thought he was a frightened alien on a foreign planet?" Eldrad had threatened her place with the Doctor like no one before. It was petty to bring him in such a way, especially as she was still wearing the Doctor's coat from Kastria, but the dig was all she had.

The Doctor puffed his chest. "I didn't trust him then; I only thought we should communicate instead of blindly attacking."

"Well, you forget he'd been doing a lot of communicating in my head until you put it to an end."

"I see, you're upset I didn't trust your opinion."

"Yes. No." They were still so alien to each other. But humans were always limited in their understandings of others, so their miscommunication seemed normal to Sarah. She again felt the ache the TARDIS had left behind. "Doctor, I know I'm only human and I can't understand Time Lord nuances, but you've always railed against the 'dirty work' from those 'meddlesome, interfering idiots.'  Your acquiescence is disturbing."

"It's the call, Sarah. I have no choice."

While she had no reference for reading the Doctor's emotions except through her own human ones, she was certain his sense of duty had been triggered by some outside force. "So they've hypnotized you?"

"No, it's one of those Time Lord nuances."

He seemed unaware of her brief touch with the TARDIS so he couldn't know that she had felt it, that pull of obligation. There was little doubt that he would follow it and there was only one way she could tag along. _I worry about you_ , she had said, but he wouldn't accept the same words so soon. "Well then, to prove you haven't been hypnotized you'll just have to take me with you."

"It's too dangerous."

"I'd never forgive myself if I let you go off all hypnotized." She backed up quickly out of his reach. "And don't even think about hypnotizing me to get me to stay out of it."

"Sarah, you know I'd never."

"Good, then it's settled. I won't be but ten minutes."

Nothing was settled but still she opened the TARDIS doors herself before gathering her things and walking into her living room without glancing behind her. As soon as she was in her bedroom she closed the door, half collapsing on top of it. Adjusting the Doctor's overcoat tightly across her body, Sarah choked back her tears. "Sarah Jane Smith, you silly thing, if you don't hurry up he'll leave you behind." She didn't think about how true her words might've been.

Moving quickly to finish her tasks, Sarah found herself humming though not too loudly so she could still listen for the familiar wheezing of the TARDIS. When she had almost finished a quick reassurance letter to her aunt, Sarah realized the melody sounded suspiciously similar to _You Like Me Too Much._ The song wasn't relevant, she was absolutely sure of that. It had clearly been written with the romantic notion of eternal pursuit to appeal to the massive throngs of teenage girls. Sarah wasn't a teenage girl nor did she have romantic notions of pursuit. _I'm packing my goodies and I'm going home_ , she had said _._ She stopped humming.

The TARDIS was still there when she dropped the letters in the post and grabbed an overnight bag she always kept packed. The TARDIS door was still unlocked and it opened with her touch. Yet, the brown control room was gone and replaced by the white room she had first known. Sarah rolled her eyes, in the time it took her to post a letter the Doctor had rearranged the layout.

"Doctor."

"Over here, Sarah." His brown curls popped up from behind the console. "I know it's nothing new, but I thought." The Doctor raised his arms in an encompassing gesture.

"Oh, yes, yes, it is." There wasn't a hint of doubt in her mind it was so. "It's all that and more."

"Good." He grinned slowly at her leaving tiny wrinkles by his eyes. Sarah smiled back wishing the TARDIS would touch her again so she could feel his emotions, but he rubbed his hands together and the moment was lost. "We're off then."

"Is it long to Gallifrey?" Finally ready to return his coat, she inspected the controls as he slipped it back on.

"Just long enough."

"Just enough?"

"Just."

**.:.**

Sarah paused at the doors to watch the Doctor adjusting switches on the console. She ran her fingers through her still damp hair and double checked the laces on her shoes. Choosing function over style, she had picked a dark pair of jeans, a plain shirt, and trainers. She wasn't sure what typical Time Lords and Ladies wore, she was sure none of the ones she had met were typical, but she doubted any of them would notice one outfit over another. It was better to be prepared for running, ducking, climbing, or falling. She had been doing far too much of the latter lately and it disturbed unpleasant memories. If she could manage one trip to Gallifrey without falling off a cliff it would be a success.

"Sarah."

"Yes?"

"I've noticed humans choose to preface something harsh with nicer truths. I only travel with the best. And you have been. I've never doubted you -- might've slightly misplaced you, or ignored your ideas until I ran out of my own, and there was that one time I-"

Sarah could count her heart beats in her ears. "Doctor."

"I just want you to understand when I tell you to stay in the TARDIS."

" 'When you tell me', which would be now?"

"Yes. The Time Lords have been xenophobic for longer than your race has been alive. The title of Time Lord itself speaks of their arrogance. But they have been unchallenged in power and for that, collectively, they are tedious and uncreative. Change is slow; with regeneration comes stagnation. It has been generations since anything has truly affected the Time Lords."

"And when someone does they exile him?"

"I hardly affected them. I stole a TARDIS and ran."

"But you do affect them every time you walk through those doors and save a life. And I, for one, am glad none of them saw your potential for political change."

He grinned conspiratorially at her before his smile fell. "I can't save them all, but I can try to save you. Sarah, listen to me. On our other adventures you could've died. I know you believe in me to protect you, and such faith is a gift, but you still could've died. However, you only could've died -- not on Gallifrey. There I can't keep you safe; I'm an exile, an errand boy, their executioner. Promise you'll stay in the TARDIS until it is safe."

Typically she would've made some joke to lighten the mood but his shoulders were tense, his face lined with worry, his voice filled with concern, and it seemed inappropriate. _I worry about you_ , he had said.

"I'm not leaving you behind. I just need to know where you are. No wandering off to pick oranges in groves or through strange panels in space stations or into blue boxes of men whom demanded you make them coffee."

"Even if it kills you?"

"Especially then. If you are inside I know the TADIS will return you home, alive and whole."

Sarah met his eyes. The Doctor wasn't speculating at the consequences, he was reliving them. She had always prided herself on the ability to ask a difficult question, but she did not want to hear that particular answer. He was asking her to let him go into danger without her, to go against her nature -- the very thing that had first brought them together. She could ask for something in return. "On one condition: promise no more hypnotizing, even if it kills me."

"Sarah."

"No, we exchange promises. It might be empty in my mind and I might be alone, but it's mine. It's not that I don't trust you." _It's that I'll get addicted to you,_ she can't say. Because she could still keenly feel the loss of the TARDIS and if she ever felt that with him she'd never mend. Even with his latest scare she never thought about how their travels would end, but she was too practical to think of forever.

"Just for our next adventure."

"Our next three adventures together I should think. You're getting predictable anyway."

"I will endeavor to find another way to get you out of trouble then. We have a deal."

She was going to Gallifrey and she owned her own mind, but she wasn't winning. "Deal. So what shall I be doing while you are off tilting at windmills, keeping house?"

"More like keeping me like you always do."

"Pardon?"

"Haven't you wondered why I arranged for this control room?"

"Of course I did, I just accepted it as you."

"It's simply more technical, more authoritative, and has better scanners."

"And that's important because?"

"You're my second set of eyes and ears." He pulled back his curls and revealed a small device encompassing his ear. He produced a matching one from his pocket. "And with this you'll be my voice of reason."

She let him explain how to operate the earpiece and then fit it to her ear. "You could've just said that in the first place."

The Doctor gently held her chin in his hand while he adjusted her hair back over the earpiece. He studied her tilted face, his eyes moving rapidly across her features. She thought he was going to respond, but instead he turned away.

"Now, I will be exiting from the secondary control room. This control room should be hidden well enough to keep any guards from finding you in case we're boarded. The TARDIS has always excelled at mazes so be certain to stay here. While security would never think to search for communication devices so primitive, I still won't turn mine on until I'm past them. Check the news broadcasts for anything relevant until then."

"Anything in particular?"

"There's going to be an assassination attempt. I need anything about the president."

"How do you know? How are you going to stop it?"

The Doctor paused at the door. "I had a vision. And if it's to be believed, I'm the assassin."

"Doctor." He ignored her calls and had exited before she could run after him. The doors were locked tightly and didn't budge as she pounded on them. "Just wait until I see you." She yelled threats after him until she wasn't sure if they were physically possible anymore.

"And you," Sarah said to the TARDIS, "you're in on this, don't play innocent." Without knowing where to direct her rant, she began to feel silly lecturing the ship. "Sarah Jane, twice in one day and you still haven't learned. The Doctor is never going to change." She flipped on the news feed. "And you would never ask him."

**.:.**

Sarah tried to concentrate on the newsfeed instead of watching the security monitors which showed the guards outside the TARDIS. She tried to convince herself that the guards were merely procedural, that they were unaware of her presence, but she still had to fight to compulsion to watch them for signs that they knew. It didn't help that her research was giving her a headache.

Time Lord politics were even more complicated than all politics on Earth, especially on Presidential Resignation Day. The reporter, Runcible, rarely was able to ask questions before he was disregarded, which didn't help her research at all. She was still piecing together information on the six chapters when her earpiece chirped at her. She activated it and brought the feed up on the scanner. The Doctor appeared to be in a lift.

"What have you discovered?"

"Several things which I shouldn't say to you in polite company, Doctor."

She expected him to ask where there was polite company, but he only scolded her. "Sarah."

"All right. But don't think I'll forget. There's not much to report yet." She did so anyway.

"Still Runcible the Fatuous; nothing changes." The Doctor said once she was finished.

Sarah was used to his judgments and chose not to comment. "That vision you had, can you always see the future?"

"Time Lords could see all that ever was and all that could be. But the strain would kill us. For a time we can follow a singular timeline, but only for other species. The timeline can't predict another Time Lord's involvement. For that the Matrix is needed."

Sarah began sorting his statements. As usual, he had given her all the information necessary to ask the perfect question. "So how did you manage to see the future with other Time Lords present?"

"The vision must have come from the Matrix itself."

"Meaning?"

"It was sent to me as a message."

There were hundreds of questions she wanted to ask so she could understand, but she had figured out enough to know one thing. "You do realize this is likely a trap."

"Of course. But knowing that we can be aware of the spring."

"Unless your opponent expects you to be aware it's a trap."

"Except we've thought of that too. Do keep up, Sarah, you're not usually this slow."

"You-"

The door opened to the lift. "I'll contact you again once it's safe." The feed cut off before she could object.

"He wants me to be his eyes and ears but leaves me blind and deaf." She stroked the console softly. "It's no wonder you have fits and kick him out."

The guards had left the range of the scanners. Sarah looked at the TARDIS exit, her fingers hovering over the door controls. She should be out there even if she couldn't stand beside him. Because even when they were separated she was meeting people, finding clues, and causing commotions which always got them to the true story. She wasn't helping by sticking to research. Sighing she turned the newsfeed back on. Their promises had meant something.

**.:.**

Runcible was attempting to interview the Cardinal of the Prydonian chapter with even less success than his earlier interviewees. Either the Time Lords needed to revise their journalistic skills or the Doctor was right about Runcible being fatuous. Sarah pulled what little facts were presented from the newscast reflexively, her main concentration elsewhere. While the Doctor calmly accepted his vision of becoming an assassin, she hadn't. Because, while the Doctor seemed to know all of human history, he never knew what was going to occur next. That he did had to mean something.

The Doctor's feed flickered back on over the news. Though he didn't address her, Sarah determined he was in the ceremony hall. For a moment, she forgot the mission and remembered that this was what she wanted to see. She was among Time Lords with their ridiculous hats and colored robes and for a shameful second all she wanted to do was give them one of her old feminists lectures on equality. For one of the most advanced race in the universe they were pretty behind the times.

As he made his way towards Runcible the Doctor scanned the crowd. But even during his awkward conversation with the other Time Lord his gaze kept returning to a particular balcony.

"Is that the location of the assassination?"

"Yes, yes," the Doctor said over Runcible, "that's all good in theory but-"

The rest was lost in the proximity alarm. Sarah brought up the security feed to find two guards attaching some sort of device to the blue panels of the TARDIS.

"This won't work. The translocation defenses won't allow-"

"You've got your models all wrong. These old type 40s don't have the new defensive capabilities. We just have to find the proper frequency. You'll see."

Sarah finally turned off the security feed. It was only a distraction. The TARDIS was a ship that could move through time and space but could also be picked up and stolen as if it were just a police box. Sarah would never understand Time Lord engineering. But she had seen it stolen before, had been inside it once when it was transported, and aside from needing to make sure there was air when she exited Sarah wasn't worried.

**.:.**

She noticed the rifle in the balcony a second after the Doctor. Everything clicked into place in her mind as he started yelling and pushing his way through the crowd. If only he had told her how the assassination was supposed to occur she might've figured it out sooner.

"Doctor, no." She had to keep him from going up there. "You can't go to the balcony. You've seen the vision; if you go there the assassination will occur, even if you don't pull the trigger. And if you do pull the trigger, the only reason will be because of that vision. You'd never resort to simply using a rifle to solve your problems otherwise. The balcony is a diversion."

The Doctor changed directions from the balcony stairs and managed to slip unnoticed back into the crowd as the guards ran past him. Sarah sighed again, the Doctor would've simply followed the vision into a trap even knowing it was one. "There has to be some other way to protect the president. If you're the one shooting the rifle in the balcony, the real assassin has to be somewhere else."

"Sarah, I-"

A ramp emerged from the wall for the president's arrival but Sarah only got a glimpse of something gold before the Doctor was off again. He was shouting about a pistol but the guards had run to the balcony and the crowd was too thick to get through. Sarah heard a shot but the Doctor was moving so quickly that his camera lost focus and she couldn't see if anyone was hurt.

"Doctor, what is-" she let out a yelp as the TARDIS violently lurched. Trying to find her footing Sarah reached for the console only to grab at air. She fell back ungracefully, landing painfully on the arm she had used to break her fall.

"I told you it would work." Sarah opened her eyes to find the two guards from the proximity alarm standing over her. The TARDIS was gone.

"And I told you that a criminal never changes his MO. He had passengers last time, he has passengers this time. I suppose a stronger deterrent is needed to prevent a next time."

Sarah tried to roll away from the guard, but they surrounded her. One of them gripped her injured arm and she let out a hiss of pain. She could hear the Doctor calling her name in her ear. She tried to call back to him but there was a sharp pain in neck and everything went dark.

**.:DW:.**

2011/03/27


	2. Just Waiting to Hear from You

The Doctor pressed his hand tightly to his forehead to stave off his headache. The gesture did little to relieve the throbbing behind his eyes and throughout his forehead. He deserved far worse than a migraine. But that punishment was reserved for his hearts.

He liked humans and humans, even cheeky journalists, liked their cliché metaphors. The Doctor had read human stories about how loss could break and leave holes in hearts. That could hardly be so because the hole Sarah's loss left behind was much larger than both his broken hearts put together. Such emotions and analogies were unbefitting of a Time Lord, but he was finished with the title. Because being a Time Lord meant wanting to erase one Sarah Jane Smith from history for crimes not her own.

The guards hadn't caused much trouble. They had merely been Gallifreyan and hadn't cause any interference. The Doctor hadn't expected to be able to breach the mock trail even with the TARDIS' help. There were simply too many Time Lords present. But he had been surprised when he felt Sarah's timeline unraveling from some point ahead of him, beyond what his abilities allowed him to see. Her timeline hadn't been cut as in death, but was disappearing, undoing things which Sarah herself had not yet done.

The TARDIS again reminded him that only seconds had passed since he received the call. Though he hadn't used his skill in years, the Doctor had followed Sarah's timeline through their journey to Gallifrey until her interaction with another Time Lord was inevitable and thus blocked from his view. While he had experienced her mortality, Sarah was safe in her room, packing her things in a fit. But even knowing she was alive couldn't expunge his experience of losing her - to be merged with her timeline when it was being erased, to feel the better part of himself as if it would never exist.

Sarah could never go to Gallifrey. At least not until he had the pull and political power to keep her safe. As they were, neither he nor the TARDIS were strong enough to protect her, so they would both have to let her go. She would be safe on Earth living her life as she should.

Inexplicably, the Doctor couldn't remember why he had ever studied to be a Time Lord. Certainly he hadn't studied hard and realistically he knew he never would've met Sarah otherwise. But to think he had put any effort into becoming part of a group so pompous and self righteous that they would choose to erase an innocent from history made him ill. That they hadn't actually done so didn't excuse them from the fact that they would've. If her timeline had unraveled to their present the result would've been the same. Any less skill on the Doctor's part and Sarah would've been erased even while she was still within the TARDIS in the vortex.

Sarah would've ceased to exist because she had dared to follow her best friend to Gallifrey. She had not been accountable. The only ones responsible for the decision were the Council which had dared to summon him. And he would follow their call because he had no choice in the matter.

The Doctor was reminded of another human cliché: he saw red.

**.:.**

At his first shout, Sarah dropped everything in her arms and ran. Her luggage didn't matter; she couldn't even remember what she had packed. The corridors seemed to slant downhill towards the secondary control room, quickening her pace.

Slightly out of breath, Sarah burst through the door not certain what to expect. Standing at the console, the Doctor was raging at the ceiling."-gits, ninnies, nitwits, imbeciles, ignoramuses-"

"Doctor."

"-twits, dunces, clods, botchers, dolts, dullards-"

"Oi, Doctor."

"-pilchards, stupid-heads, lamebrains-"

Sarah used both her hands to slam the door as hard as she could behind her. The Doctor jumped mid-rant, his cheeks slightly reddening. "Sarah." He glanced a few times between the closed door and Sarah. "You're still a good girl, Sarah."

He wasn't distracting her that easily. "You yelling a thesaurus in here?"

"What did you hear?"

As a journalist she was well versed with his ploy but granted him it anyway. "Well you started with idiot and ended with stupid-head, lamebrain. Seemed like you were running out of synonyms."

"Ah, well, that."

"Yes, that."

"Well, it would seem that I taxed the TARDIS' profanity filter and she ran out of clever things to say."

Of all the absurd things she had seen just that day, silicone life forms living in a dome included, running down the hallway to discover the Doctor cursed - and his time machine didn't - topped her list. Not only did he curse, he apparently cursed like a sailor. And perhaps always had. "And those other times?"

"Not all the other times. But you have to admit, the Time Lords rather are stupid-heads."

"You-" Sarah realized no matter what she said, she had no idea what he would hear: a Time Lord's gift indeed. Still, he must've learned English at some point. "prat."

The Doctor covered his mouth and gasped at her as if she had cursed in front of the Queen. "Sarah, I never."

"Don't think you'll get away with that." Shaking her finger at him never worked, but she resorted to it anyway. "Where are they sending us this time?"

"They aren't sending us anywhere." The Doctor became far too serious for their game. "They are calling me to Gallifrey. And I am taking you home."

Sarah knew several times over what it was like to have all the air sucked out of a room. His statement was worse than that. "You mean-"

He finished what she couldn't say. "Earth."

With that one word her previous outburst seemed childish and all together dangerous. But she wasn't the only one that had tantrums. "Why follow them this time? Last time you were going to sit on your bum and practice your double loops."

"Sarah, this isn't a social call. The Time Lords are arrogant, xenophobic fools. The same fools who pulled us from a transmat beam, dropped us on Skaro, and expected us to commit genocide on their word. We weren't sent to prevent a war from occurring or to negotiate a peace treaty before they began genetic testing or even to prevent Davros from gaining power. We were sent there to ethnically cleanse an entire race before they were born and given a day to do it. No time to consider moral choices when you are in a war zone."

Sarah didn't want to consider her own pressure for the Time Lords' plan. The choice had seemed much simpler after she had been threatened, forced into slave labor which would kill her, and tortured. It had been clear when she thought of the people she knew the Daleks would kill. But she hadn't held the wires in her hands.

 _I'm sorry,_ she wanted to say but he didn't let her.

He gripped both her shoulders. "I can't put you through that again. I won't."

"But yourself?"

His jaw twitched. All she wanted to hear was what he wouldn't say. All he said was what she never wanted to hear. "We've landed."

"Where?"

"Hillview Road." He pushed his coat off her shoulders. Reluctantly, Sarah let it drop. She turned the scanner on while he redressed.

He was correct for once. "That's my home."

"Of course. You probably thought I'd leave you in Aberdeen."

Even in life or death situations their banter still came easily. "You do have a history of landing in the wrong places."

"Your tiny human mind - what is history to a Time Lord? And who is to say I was wrong? It's all a matter of perspective."

"Oh, no one I should think." Sarah forced herself to brighten. "Say, as you are a Time Lord, let me just pop in and get my things. I'll be out and in before you know it."

"Sarah, I must leave immediately. Alone."

"You're the one always promising we can be back five minutes before we leave." She couldn't quite keep the whine from her voice.

"That only works when we enter into another continuum. The Time Lords will always know the true amount of time which has passed."

"I see. Well, we've already wasted several minutes arguing about it so they can just wait a few more minutes. I keep an overnight bag packed and need to check my rent."

"Sarah," his voice was so soft she had to listen for it, "no."

And the most absurd thing about that day wasn't that the Doctor cursed, it was that he said no and entirely meant it. Or maybe it was that she suddenly wanted to leave so badly that she couldn't stand the thought of collecting her things which she dropped a lifetime ago. She pushed open the outside door. "Goodbye, Doctor."

"Oh, Sarah. I've been waiting for you inside your dusty living room for five minutes. Stop being such a rude host and say hello."

She gave him a half smile. "You aren't that good a driver."

He matched her smile. "Until next time."

Forcing herself to watch the TARDIS completely dematerialize, Sarah felt silly for not returning for her coat. Despite the chill, Sarah took even steps down her street. She checked the post, dug around for her spare key, and opened her door gently.

Her dusty living room was empty.

She searched everywhere anyway.

**.:.**

The first night she started her one anxiety-induced indulgence. Unable to sleep Sarah played _Don't Pass Me By_ until she was worried she would wear a groove in her record. She played it every night after.

She told herself it was easier the second time, that she was well practiced at waiting for his return after the spiders. The Brigadier was lovely about having her around, though she refused to stand and reminisce. Instead, she kept moving to find her next story and she forgot how to stop. There were whispers about her, about the Doctor, but no one dared to say anything to her. None of their theories were correct anyway.

For the first few months she was absolutely certain that he would return one day. Sure, he might be dying and need to regenerate again, but she could handle that. While she didn't like the idea of getting used to a new face, it was better than the alternative.

Five months in she had dinner with Harry before he left on a mission he couldn't discuss with her. She stopped visiting UNIT except when her investigations needed a little leveraging from the Brigadier.

Seven months in she threw her teakettle and accidentally hit her record player. Her record was scratched beyond repair and Sarah spent far too many nights trying to fall asleep in the silence.

Eight months in Sarah found and bought a new copy of _The White Album_. She paid far too much for it and thus resolved to be more careful with her records. Yet, she almost broke it in half when she walked through her door and into the panels of a blue police box.

"Sarah, I've been waiting for almost fifteen minutes. You do walk slow. Though I could've sworn your living room would've been dustier." He stood with his familiar teeth, curls, scarf, hat, and overcoat. He dared to stand there looking perfectly healthy as he went on about something, completely ignoring her. Which was perfectly fair, with the ringing in her ears Sarah completely ignored his rant.

"Sarah." The Doctor actually looked at her then stopped. "What happened to the-" He gestured his hands up and down her body, "pink and red? And your hair? I liked it before - I always did like hairy women, but now you're not."

Sarah tucked a stray strand of her bobbed hair behind her ear and glanced down at her cobalt yellow with black accents trouser suit. The pants legs were long and flared so most people never noticed she was actually wearing combat boots. She spoke between her teeth. "Eight months."

"Come again?"

"Eight months. It's the twist of a dial and a blink of an eye in a time machine, but outside it's eight months."

"It can't have been eight months. Why I set-"

"No." Hearing how he had tried would make it worse. "You don't get to tell me what I did or didn't live. I tell you. It's been eight months of looking twice at anything blue and listening for wheezing-grinding noises. Eight months of writing pointless stories and paying the rent and thinking you were _dead_." She told herself she wouldn't cry.

"Oh, Sarah. It couldn't have been that bad."

Looking back, he was correct, of course. True, when she had helped UNIT stop an alien invasion in her third month home her article had been classified, but it had hardly been pointless. Her article on women in the British Military had been finalized by her publisher the previous week. And just that day she had decided to stop mourning the death of her best friend and listen to all the songs on _The White Album._ Her new copy was still in the bag she clutched tightly.

She had waited for him, but hadn't paused her life to wait. Because he had promised he'd be back and she knew that he would be late. And he did come back. He _was_ back.

"Jelly baby?"

She had known before he pulled out the white wrapping that she would take one. To give herself time to think, she took three. "I didn't really want to cut it."

"Oh?"

Odd how his one statement could make her self-conscious of her hair. It was even shorter than when she first met the Doctor, back when he had been ruffles and a hawk-like nose. "I cut it as part of a story. But it's only hair, I remind myself it will grow out again."

"My Sarah, ever the pragmatist when you need to be." He brushed his thumb softly across her cheek, catching a stray tear.

 _I can't believe you even noticed_ , she doesn't say, because he did notice and she had thought he would never be around to notice. And those things were in her past. "I suppose I needed to be twice then." She had to force herself to step away from him so she could pull two sealed letters from her desk. "One for the rent and one for Aunt Lavinia."

When she had posted them, she found the Doctor fiddling with her record player and her copy of _The White Album_. "Sarah, a gift? You shouldn't have. You know I have every song in every release format for the whole of human history in the TARDIS."

"Good, then you won't mind putting it back where you found it." Because she would need it again, but not that day.

With her traveling case in hand, Sarah stepped through the doors and into the secondary control room. For the first time in eight months the air returned and she could breathe again.

The Doctor made a show of setting the controls, but Sarah didn't miss that he had only told the TARDIS to return to its last coordinates. "Are we going to Gallifrey?"

"No, no, no."

"Then why?" She pointed to the recall switch.

"Oh," he shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. "The best way to know that we aren't going to end up in a quarry is to have been there before."

Which was all very true, but it wasn't the truth for which she had asked. Though he couldn't admit to it, Sarah was relieved he had forgotten her. Because if he could forget about her but still find her, then whatever changed between them hadn't shifted anything too fundamental. And though she could stand the thought of the Doctor regenerating, she wasn't prepared if he changed.

As the TARDIS had a destination, the journey across time and space was only long enough for Sarah to reacquaint herself with the familiar hum of the ship. She was out the door the moment they landed, knowing he would follow her momentarily.

The Doctor had been correct in that they didn't land in a quarry, but the planet wasn't much more inviting. The forest was all grays, muted yellows, and browns of twisted tree trunks and vines. The only other sparse vegetation growing from the sandy ground were tall grass and faded palm bushes. The trees were set far enough apart to move between, but broken logs and stones littered the terrain. Something slithered across a patch of sand in front of her and Sarah felt no inclination to explore without the Doctor.

"I have the strangest notion I've been here before."

"Of course you have. Otherwise the return mechanism wouldn't have brought us here."

He scowled at her logic. "I meant before that. Though I have no idea why I would have forgotten."

"Let's find something to remind you then."

The two fell into the easy rhythm of their later travels, following no particular path as they helped one another along. Emboldened by the lack of danger, Sarah continued on when the Doctor stopped and mumbled to himself. Sarah paused when she reached a withered log and turned to ensure she hadn't gotten too far out of the Doctor's range of sight. He was an indistinct brown blob to her, but she imagined he would be able to spot her yellow quite nicely. While she was contemplating the fortune of her shoe choice that morning, a body collided into her own and she was sent crashing forwards.

She hit the ground roughly, the air knocked from her lungs preventing her to call out, but she was more startled than injured. The weight shifted off of her and she was able to roll over. A brunette woman, perhaps a few years younger than herself, crouched above her, glancing between Sarah and her surroundings. She was dressed entirely in brown skins of some sort, with a brown and tan choker at her neck. From her dress and demeanor, Sarah assumed she was some sort of tribal warrior.

"Hello." Sarah brought her hands up slowly. "My name is Sarah Jane Smith, but you can call me Sarah. What's yours?"

The woman cocked her head to the side. "You do not look like a Tesh; you do not have two heads. But there are no others in the Beyond."

It wasn't the oddest greeting she'd received, though Sarah needed to put her interest the two headed Tesh aside. "No, I'm not a Tesh. I'm a traveler."

"A traveler? But there is only the village, the mountains, and the Wall."

"My home is further than the mountains." The statement was true enough, her planet and time was well past any mountains. "Beyond what?" Sarah realized she might've changed topics too quickly. "What I mean is, if we're in the Beyond, we have to be beyond something, right?"

"We're beyond the barrier which keeps the monsters from the village."

"Oh," putting together that they were outside the barrier and thus with the monsters, Sarah fought back the sudden dread from knowing they would soon find one.

"You travel alone and unarmed beyond the barrier? You are brave or a fool."

"Far more of the latter, I think." Not that she minded. She had tried the sensible route, but it was nothing like the path through the stars.

The woman's featured softened a bit. "I see," she said in a manner reserved for indulging small children. Sarah imagined the tone was unusual for her. "I'm am called Leela." Leela straightened and offered Sarah her hand. With her assistance, Sarah stood and dusted herself off.

Before Sarah could ask her next question, Leela had pulled her knife at some small sound. Despite her warrior appearance, Leela took a step back, gasping in terror between parted lips. The gesture somehow made her look much younger. Sarah turned to see the Doctor standing there with his hands in the air much as she had done before.

"Hello there." The Doctor greeted everyone new with the same light voice no matter his peril.

"The Evil One." Leela pushed Sarah behind her and forced them both to take another step back when the Doctor took one forwards.

"Are you all right, Sarah?" Sarah was planning how to defuse the situation when Leela whirled behind her and pressed the knife to her neck.

"You are friends with the Evil One. From where else could you have come? How else could you walk among the creatures with no fear?"

Gripping the deceptively strong arm, Sarah attempted to loosen the hold. "Leela, listen to me. He's my friend but he's not the Evil One. His name is the Doctor."

"The friends of the Evil One would hardly call him thus."

"She has a point, you know." The Doctor shrugged unhelpfully. "Except for this one fellow I met in-"

"Quiet."

Though Leela had interrupted him, Sarah found the Doctor's ability to ramble soothing. It wasn't the first time she had been used as a hostage against him, still no less frightening, but she recognized his ability to talk until he had a plan. "Why don't we all discuss this-" The knife blade pressed into her throat.

"You will call off your phantoms if you wish for your friend to live."

The Doctor's eyes widened. "Phantoms you say?"

"Yes, I cannot see your pets, but I know they are here."

"They aren't mine, but if they are invisible we just might have a chance." He dug an egg timer out of his pocket.

"Do not follow us." Leela began walking both herself and Sarah backwards the way she had come.

Trying to assure the Doctor with a smile, Sarah moved as carefully as she could backwards with a knife at her throat. He called after them. "Try to avoid making any noise. The phantoms will be attracted to the vibrations."

When they were out sight of the Doctor, Leela gripped her arm tightly and began to pull her through the forest. Sarah nearly tripped and the commotion immediately brought them to the attention of a creature. Dropping Sarah's wrist, Leela froze. A circle of sand seemed to cave in under an invisible force: footsteps of a ten foot monster. Sarah had to push Leela's shoulder twice before they both started running. When it was merely two steps behind them the monster stopped and turned back.

Leela stared down at the nearest footprint. "The Evil One has called it back to save you."

"No, the Doctor said the phantoms were attracted to vibrations. He just gave it a bigger target." She hoped it wasn't himself. She gestured at the space between them. "Your first instinct wasn't to kill me or threaten me when it chased us. We were running together." She almost mentioned that Leela hadn't run at all, but decided against it.

The observation seemed to upset Leela as she grabbed Sarah's wrist again. "I could have still killed you at that distance. Come, we will move quietly, but remember I will not hesitate a second time."

To avoid meeting other creatures, Sarah agreed and continued in silence as they walked, passing through the endless forest. Though she couldn't see anything, she felt a strange tingling as if passing through a static field and Leela began to relax.

"We are across the Boundary, the creatures will not follow."

"What will you do with me?"

"You are friends with the Evil One. We will trade with him, you for the false god Xoanon. The Sevateem will free Xoanon without a suicidal attack on the Wall."

"Which is a noble goal, but I'm not friends with the Evil One. And why are you trying to free a false god?"

Leela narrowed her eyes. "God or not, my people die for Xoanon. If he does not exist, then at least the Sevateem will believe he is free and no longer die in his name. We will see about a trade."

Her plan was sensible, if only her assumptions were true then it might've worked. "Why did you think my friend was the Evil One?"

Pausing, Leela turned to study her again. She turned again without comment and ignored Sarah's other attempts for discussion. Sarah weighed the possibility of escaping, but she didn't doubt Leela's ability to kill her at a distance. Once they reached the village and attempted to negotiate with the Evil One, Sarah was certain she would no longer be a useful hostage for trade. Then she could then talk her way back to the Doctor and the TARDIS.

At the edge of the forest, they reached a plateau over a valley. Leela pointed across towards the mountain. "You wondered how I knew the face of the Evil One. All of the Sevateem have known it for generations."

Carved into the side of the mountain was a familiar face, that of her second Doctor. The Doctor had thought he had been here before, but she assumed it was one of his previous selves. It was absurd to see his current face because she had been with him since his regeneration except for his trip to Gallifrey. The only other time he hadn't been with Sarah was when he was under the care of Harry. But Sarah knew, even as unbalanced as he had been, the Doctor could've slipped past UNIT.

"Oh, Doctor. What have you done?" She looked away, willing to follow Leela as long as it was away from the mountain.

Sarah was too distracted to notice the rest of the journey until a man stopped them.

"Tomas." Leela seemed genuinely pleased though she looked warily around her.

"Leela." He had no such concerns as he stepped towards her and touched her shoulder. "Neeva sent me. As soon as you crossed the barrier Xoanon contacted him. I'm to escort you and the girl back to village."

Sarah wanted to protest over being _the girl_ but neither was paying her any mind _._

"Neeva? But he is the one who had be branded a blasphemer and sent into the Beyond. You said he sent the assassins after me into the forest."

"She must be the key to his grace. Who is she?"

Leela cut off several of her objections as Tomas stared at Sarah. "She is Sarah, a friend of the Evil One."

"She is nothing like the legends."

"I do not think the legends speak of her." She addressed Sarah. "How did you befriend the Evil One? Did he kidnap you and bend your will?"

"First, he's not the Evil One." Despite the image in the mountain, Sarah was determined to convince everyone he wasn't. "The Doctor values all lives, even those who hate him. And second, if anything, I insinuated myself on him when I stole away on his ship."

Frustratingly, Leela ignored her explanation and turned back to Tomas. "We will see what Neeva wants."

**.:.**

Sarah instantly disliked Neeva. He was a bald man with a neatly trimmed beard who had some rank as a type of religious leader for the tribe. But his undisguised fascination with her made Sarah uneasy. He stood before Andor, the tribe's seasoned warrior and leader, whom sat on a futuristic, metal captain's chair in a hut of wood and clay. Neeva and Andor had been discussing her fate for a time after hearing Leela's account.

"Neeva, you promised us victory at the next raid. But now you proclaim Xoanon has arranged a hostage exchange. Why should we follow your new plan if we have been assured victory?"

Unexpectedly, Neeva had reported the Evil One was interested in her return. Hearing it repeatedly hadn't made it any more believable to Sarah.

"I did not know of Xoanon's true plan until Leela and the girl returned through the Barrier." There was no humility in Neeva's posture, even as he admitted his deficiency. "The suggested raid was part of Xoanon's plan. When Leela spoke out against our raid she was banished. In doing so, she was able to find the Evil One beyond the boundary and return with his captured friend."

A large hand settled over her mouth pulled her against her guard's chest before she could counter his statement. It took three guards to subdue Leela.

Calib, who Leela had warned of as power hungry and cunning, spoke, "I do not trust Leela to make the exchange at the Wall. A raid should accompany them through."

Neeva grimaced. "That is not the deal. Only Leela and the girl are to enter."

Andor silenced them both. "I will take your statements under advisement."

**.:.**

Sarah spent the night under the watch of two guards wishing she had paid more attention to the Doctor's lessons from Houdini.

Leela woke her in the morning, bringing Sarah an outfit of animal skins. The warrior spoke loudly of how to dress, keeping the male guards from her true conversation. "I attempted to come for you last night, but they placed two guards on each of us."

"So you no longer believe the Doctor is the Evil One?"

"No, you are too kind for such a friend." Sarah decided not to poke holes in her logic. "The Doctor did warn us of the vibrations attracting the phantoms and when one attacked, you brought me with you as you ran from it instead of towards it. You seemed genuinely surprised when you saw the mountain and when Neeva declared there would be a trade."

"What do we do?"

"The clothes are so you do not make yourself an unnecessary target. We are being escorted as far as the Wall with the raid. If there is an opportunity to flee we must take it."

Sarah nodded and resisted tugging at her attire. She told herself she had far more important things to worry about than her bare legs.

The journey to the Wall presented no opportunities for escape. Sarah thought she caught sight of the Doctor's scarf twice, but had to convince herself it was a trick of her eyes when there was no other sign of him.

The Wall appeared to be black and amorphous. Neeva pointed to a shimmering tunnel. "See, it is as Xoanon promised. Leela and the girl will enter and he will be freed."

Leela's hand went to her hip and Sarah knew that the warrior planned to fight to the death. While she and Tomas might kill some of the raid as well, neither had any real chance of surviving. Sarah placed a steadying hand on Leela's.

"If we go through the tunnel we can find another way through the Wall and back to the Doctor."

"There is no other way through the Wall."

"There has to be another." Because Sarah wouldn't allow any other option.

Reluctantly, the two women walked through the tunnel. Calib raised a shout and the rest of the raid moved towards the tunnel behind them. Before the men could reach the Wall, bright spotlights caught each warrior where they stood. They screamed as they fell to the ground.

"Tomas." Leela turned back with panic in her voice, but the tunnel had closed. "Tomas." She pounded against the Wall but it wouldn't give.

Sarah let out her own gasp at the figure which approached them. He wore what appeared to be some sort of space suit with a bright red coil going from the helmet down its back. _Two heads_ , Sarah remembered Leela saying, and seeing the helmet Sarah finally understood the legend's mistake.

Growling when she saw it, Leela pulled her knife. "Tesh." She moved forward but faltered and slowly fell at the Tesh's feet. The being in the space suit hadn't moved.

"Leela." Dropping to her knees, Sarah attempted to rouse her. "What did you do to her?" She meant to turn on the Tesh herself, but felt her muscles lock and she fell unconscious across Leela.

**.:.**

Sarah awoke miserably on a hard metal floor. She could tell she was in a control room of sorts, but the equipment was covered in pieces of cloth. Candles were on nearly every flat surface. Wires were pulled from the computers and tangled along the walls and ceiling much like the vines in the forest.

A man stood in front of her. He wore a gray uniform with white and red stripes, puffy sleeves, a flat-topped helmet, and green shoes. He smiled at her, but only his lips moved as if the rest of his features on his ashen face were frozen. "I am Jabel, Captain of the People of Tesh. You are Sarah. We have been waiting for you."

Sarah stood and tried to keep the quiver from her voice. "I know perfectly well whom I am. Where is Leela?" She hoped it sounded like a demand.

"Ah, the Savage. The others are tending to her."

Sarah's stomach tightened. "She is not a Savage. And I know what sort of _tending_ your type does. Release us."

"I cannot. Xoanon has commanded it so."

"Xoanon? But he's the Sevateem's god."

Jabel's face darkened. "You will not speak so. Xoanon is around us. He is responsible for operating everything you see. He is with us in these wall, not with the Savages."

"He runs everything? Like a computer?" Sarah gasped - a computer as xenophobic and arrogant as those Time Lord on Gallifrey. "The Sevateem worship him as a god as well. He tells them the Tesh are their enemy, just as he has been telling you the Sevateem are yours. He's been playing both sides, using you."

"Blasphemer. I know not what Xoanon wants with you, but you will not leave him this time."

"This time? But I've never met him before."

"You left him when he was just born. He planned to return to the stars, but you told him he couldn't leave. He stayed for you, but then left yourself. He's been waiting for your return."

The account was a sick parody of her plea at UNIT, right before she had interested him in helping the Brigadier. The computer appeared to have some twisted form of the Doctor's memories from when he first regenerated. Sometime after the Doctor had agreed to stay, he secretly made off in the TARDIS and somehow downloaded his memories into what would become Xoanon. It was the only way for the computer to think she had left him and why the Doctor only vaguely remembered this planet. Xoanon was a computer with the Doctor's confused mind, all alone except for the two tribes he had been manipulating for generations.

The Doctor never did well when he was by himself. She wasn't sure she could talk her way into his graces when it was clear that the computer had gone quite mad. Xoanon must've sensed her presence when she walked through the barrier and fixated on her in a perversion of her friendship with the Doctor.

Under Jabel's orders, two other Tesh approached her. "Take her to the Sacred Chamber. Once there, ensure she cannot leave; break her legs."

In her panic, she struggled against the guards, calling vainly for the Doctor, but she felt her body lock against her again as she was dragged from the room.

**.:DW:.**

2011/04/19


End file.
